Paper, paper, paper

Every person who has ever used a paper has commited a heinous crime against humanity. Because the word "ape" is present in paper, anyone caught using this item is a throw-back to when all humans were barbaric, and that includes anyone now reading this paper. (Well, not paper, it's preferred to say journal, because the author would never wish to be connected to paper.)
As anyone knows, paper is a very evil thing. By just holding it a wrong way, a cut can be inflicted on anyone, which will send this person into the throes of agony. Paper needs to be done away with, because it's bad. Because paper is bad, it must be done away with. There is no point in continuing to use it, because it can be obliterated so easily. It can rip, burn, crinkle, and if it gets wet anything that was put on it will be lost forever. The author believes that in all cases, at all times, for everyone, paper has done nothing constructive. Our earliest documents on paper now have to be preserved because of the poor quality of paper. If people in earlier times had had the brain capacity to invent the computer, the state of our world would be in a much better place. Murders would be gone, as would hunger, sadness, and divorces. These things are well-documented, though the author forgets where exactly they were found by her. Shout-outs to whoever wrote the statistics down!
All in all, paper needs to be gone from our lives. Pain, suffering and loss of memory are all attached to paper, and these are things which are not acceptable in today's world.