I woke up

I woke up this morning
and when my feet
Felt the carpet underneath
I knew today was the day
I've been waiting for.
My heart's a jumble of
confusion and love and
in between these there's
a blend of jealousy and
trepidation.
I can sense these
feelings running through
my veins like a string through
the eye of a needle.
They touch nothing, but are
forced into such a small
compartment it's impossible
to forget they're there.
So when I woke up this morning
I knew all of this,
but I've lived through the day and
I can see myself unthread
the string to discard the love, confusion,
jealously, trepidation.
Those are gone and now
my needle is empty.
It sits in wait for the next
artistic whim to overtake me,
making me retrieve some string
of emotions to thread.

I'm Scared

1. To go to Michigan.
2. Of being attacked by crickets.
3. To hurt people I love.
4. That no one in Michigan will talk to me.
5. To embarrass myself.
6. To lose all the friends I have now.
7. Of disappointing people.
8. Of my future- I don't know what it will be.
9. That college will absolutely kick my butt and I'll fail.
10. That people think I'm a stupid blonde.
11. To show my true self, because I know I'm not all smiles and bright stuff.
12. Of giving up on myself.
13. For my friends and some of the things they choose to do.
14. To drown.

Strength

The strenght some people hold inside themselves astonishes me. Against all odds, they are able to survive everything thrown at them and come out better because of it. Last week I started a new babysitting job. There are three kids, aged 15, 13 and 8, but I truly only babysit the 8 year old boy, Andrew. If you were to spend time with this boy, you would be amazed by the things you would hear and feel. Andrew has been through more in his life than he deserves, and he is one of the smartest kids I have ever known. When he speaks, he is considerate, articulate, and incredibly personable. The most amazing thing about Andrew is what he's had to deal with in his life, though. At this moment in time, he is in remission from a long and difficult battle with brain cancer. It is amazing he is even still alive now, and there is a 75% chance of a recurrance. These things don't seem to affect Andrew, though. He runs around, complains about doing his math work, and tries to get out of swimming lessons by telling me someone might have peed in the pool, which would wreck havoc on his already small immune system. (That excuse didn't fly, but it did make me chuckle, because of how seriously he said it.) Though I may not always like waking up in the morning to go babysitting, I'm very grateful Andrews parents gave me the opportunity to meet such a special boy. I pray for him continuously, and I hope anyone reading this will do the same.

Selfishness

I think I'm selfish. I don't feel selfish, but according to people around me I must be. I'm sick of living in the shadows of the person I used to be. I think it's time to move out of that time and become one with the person I want to be. Is this selfish? Is it wrong of me to want to be myself? I don't want to stay the same just to avoid change. I'm 17- this is the time to come into my own, right? Who's business is it if I decide to alter my path in life to include more people, more knowledge, less stress? I feel bad if people are hurt by this, but I need to learn to live for myself. I've spent 17 years worrying so much about affecting others I've never learned to take care of Ashley. I'll be 18 in 2 months. I want to turn 18 as myself, not as a contrived version of me. I feel selfish. Sorry.