I wish

I sit here and write this while I wish I wasn't. I wish I could be in your embrace. I wish many things. fist I wish I was where you are. I can feel my heart pulling me there while I force my body to stay where it is. I wish I believed everything you've said to me. I know you mean what you say, but I"m scared. I'm scared to grow too close. I'm scared of being hurt. I don't want to spend any more time in pain because my heart has been taken for granted. I'm scared you don't believe me when I tell you how I feel. I'm scared I won't live up to your expectations for me. But mostly, I'm scared of being hurt. I've cried enough. I'm sick of stupid jokes and blonde moments that exist to make me feel have something to offer. I wish I were a smarter person. I know I excel at shool- that's not what I mean. I wish I knew myself. I wish I knew you. That's what I truly wish. I wish to be yours. I wish you were mine. If I knew I had your hand to hold and your heart to keep. I wish. But for now, I sit here writing this while I wish I wasn't.

Rain

I can feel the rain beat down on my heart. In one direction, out the other- that's the path. Somewhere between the entrance and exit, though, the rain loses its place. Instead of leaving me and cleaning me out, it sits. Stagnant. Old. Dirty. It beats down relentlessly and won't cease. My friends try to gather round and blow it out. One more joke, a couple more smiles should make it better, right? No, it doesn't help. My clouds over my head stay dark as my heart sinks deeper in my chest because of the weight of the rain. Pitter patter. Pitter patter. The water level rises to encompass my body, my soul, my everything. It may sound too dramatic, like I'm trying to force myself into a bubble of sorrow, but in truth I want to escape from it. Someone needs to throw me a life perserver, I need to catch my breath and swim to the surface of my heart. From there I can see things clearly. Where I struggle now blinds my view. I see the shapes of life above me while I sift through the leftovers below it. Someday I'll pull myself free. Soon I'll be able to turn around and sever the strings that force me down. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. Someday.

Goodbye

Can you tell me I'm giong to be okay? Are the words "This too, will pass" running through your mind right now? Why can't you find a way to express that? I need to know you still think of me- that my face sits in your mind while your head rests on your pillow at night. Can you still hear my voice before you pick up the phone to call me? I need to know many things...Is there a God? Yes, I can feel Him even now. How many people will die this year? I will never know, but I pray for all of them. What is the meaning behind this life I'm living? No answer has found me yet but I'll keep living in hopes that it wil come. More than these things, though I need to know what you mean by goodbye. Dig out your dictionary, expose your heart and tell me what you're trying to say. I won't make it if I don't know, so please inform me. Is goodbye just a word? Will I still meet you in my dreams? Or is goodbye forever? Have I seen your face for the last time? Will I ever be able to spend my days in your presence again? Do you have an answer to my questions? Will you ever?