I Apologize

I think I've hurt you.
I know your heart has been
torn in two and your
perspective has been cracked.
What you used to see as
yellows and reds and pinks
have transformed to black.

I apologize.

I think I've let you down.
You expected me to stand
up against the sway of the crowd.
I put on my boots and joined
up with the sway of the people.
They've led me down with them
and I can't get back out.

I apologize.

I think you've forgiven me.
You know my personality and the
person you believe me to be.
Because of this you have
forgotten the horrible things
I've said and done and allow me
to stay in your life daily.

I apologize.

I don't think I've made
the changes you expect I have.
I lie to your face to save my own,
and I lie to protect you. You don't
know because your ruby colored
glasses contort my true colors.
Please forgive me for these things
because I apologize.

Find Myself

I've gone off to find myself. Somewhere between graduating and here, I've lost the person I am supposed to be. Until now I hadn't realized it, but I just got smacked in the face with the sheer truth of it. I'm not the person I thought I was. I don't know who I am now. Everyday is an entrance and an exit- run to finish everything in as little time as possible. People expect me to smile and laugh and tell jokes and when I don't there's something wrong. There's not. Maybe I want to sit and stare and think. That's what I want to do. Let me alone to do it. Don't wait for me to bring up your mood- bring it up for yourself. Do you want to see the real me? Don't listen to my jokes or read what I'm writing right now. Look in my eyes. Give me a hug and feel my heart beat. That's me. My eyes show a world I've not fully discovered, and my heart is the music in this world. I'm going to go listen to it now.

Go ahead

Go ahead, do it
Pull the shades down
and smother out the light

Follow yourself back
into the recesses of your
mind and stay there.

Wallow in self-pity
until you're so far down
you can't find light.

Pull the shades a little
more and stop the sounds
from entering your ears.

Remain motionless in
your shroud of shades
until satisfaction.

I'll tell you a secret
if you want to hear
my opinion, though.

Satisfaction is a myth
The feeling is non-existant
so stop the chase.

Let your life lead you
to where you're meant
to go, where you're meant to be.

Shades are made to
lessen the light, not
block it completely

Your shades will never
be able to blacken all
that you want to disappear.

Accept this, embrace this.
Pull the shades open and
revel in emotion.

Smile, cry, fight.
Do it all and be grateful
you have the ability to feel.

Bye

You can try to clip my wings, but don't expect me to fall. I've left that place and it's gone for me now. I may have changed, maybe we've both changed some. All I know is everything is different now. The games that we've played I'm giving up on. The board is being put back in the box and I'm not going to play anymore. Let me leave. No, forget that last line. I don't need you to let me leave. I'm gone. My wings are drawn out and I'm taking flight. The scissors in your hand won't affect me. I have the wind under me and it's carrying me to a place I need to be. Relying on you isn't what I'm doing anymore. I apologize, but I have to cut this short. I know you want me to stay and talk, to stay and hang out some more. But life is moving underneath me and I'm committed to staying on track with it.

The Son

I found the Son today. Somewhere in my past, He had set in my mind. I wasn't able to draw Him forth, though I continually tried. It is impossible to know how, but I can now feel His light on me. Streaming in through my room He touches my hands while I touch the keyboard. I can feel my heart being cleansed while I sift through the memories I want to forget. But I won't. The memories will stay in my head, because that's the only way the lessons will stay in my soul.

I found the Son today. When I opened my eyes He was there waiting for me. He had been waiting my entire life. I only had to allow him to enter. Now I'm ready. It's time to take another step to Him. Without Him, the world would not be lit, would not have life, would not exist. Who was I to think I could live without Him?

I found the Son today.

I wish

I sit here and write this while I wish I wasn't. I wish I could be in your embrace. I wish many things. fist I wish I was where you are. I can feel my heart pulling me there while I force my body to stay where it is. I wish I believed everything you've said to me. I know you mean what you say, but I"m scared. I'm scared to grow too close. I'm scared of being hurt. I don't want to spend any more time in pain because my heart has been taken for granted. I'm scared you don't believe me when I tell you how I feel. I'm scared I won't live up to your expectations for me. But mostly, I'm scared of being hurt. I've cried enough. I'm sick of stupid jokes and blonde moments that exist to make me feel have something to offer. I wish I were a smarter person. I know I excel at shool- that's not what I mean. I wish I knew myself. I wish I knew you. That's what I truly wish. I wish to be yours. I wish you were mine. If I knew I had your hand to hold and your heart to keep. I wish. But for now, I sit here writing this while I wish I wasn't.

Rain

I can feel the rain beat down on my heart. In one direction, out the other- that's the path. Somewhere between the entrance and exit, though, the rain loses its place. Instead of leaving me and cleaning me out, it sits. Stagnant. Old. Dirty. It beats down relentlessly and won't cease. My friends try to gather round and blow it out. One more joke, a couple more smiles should make it better, right? No, it doesn't help. My clouds over my head stay dark as my heart sinks deeper in my chest because of the weight of the rain. Pitter patter. Pitter patter. The water level rises to encompass my body, my soul, my everything. It may sound too dramatic, like I'm trying to force myself into a bubble of sorrow, but in truth I want to escape from it. Someone needs to throw me a life perserver, I need to catch my breath and swim to the surface of my heart. From there I can see things clearly. Where I struggle now blinds my view. I see the shapes of life above me while I sift through the leftovers below it. Someday I'll pull myself free. Soon I'll be able to turn around and sever the strings that force me down. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. Someday.

Goodbye

Can you tell me I'm giong to be okay? Are the words "This too, will pass" running through your mind right now? Why can't you find a way to express that? I need to know you still think of me- that my face sits in your mind while your head rests on your pillow at night. Can you still hear my voice before you pick up the phone to call me? I need to know many things...Is there a God? Yes, I can feel Him even now. How many people will die this year? I will never know, but I pray for all of them. What is the meaning behind this life I'm living? No answer has found me yet but I'll keep living in hopes that it wil come. More than these things, though I need to know what you mean by goodbye. Dig out your dictionary, expose your heart and tell me what you're trying to say. I won't make it if I don't know, so please inform me. Is goodbye just a word? Will I still meet you in my dreams? Or is goodbye forever? Have I seen your face for the last time? Will I ever be able to spend my days in your presence again? Do you have an answer to my questions? Will you ever?